As you may know, after the birth of my third child Graham, I struggled with postpartum anxiety. However, I was much less open the first time I had these struggles - after I had Charley.  Things were fine when she was first born, but when she was just a month old, Charley was admitted into the hospital for RSV.  She spent 3 days there and I handled things well. She came home healthy and her usual happy self. I came home with damage that I couldn't see and didn't realize until months afterwards. I had trust issues with everyone and everything. If I couldn't keep her safe for even just a few weeks as her MOTHER, how could anyone else? It started affecting my relationships with others.  Finally, after speaking about it with some friends, they encouraged me to seek help. I got a list of therapists from my OB and sought one out. She wasn't great, honestly, but even just realizing and discussing something wasn't right seemed to help. I showed signs of both postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression. This time in therapy also helped me realize that I had struggled with anxiety my entire life. The stress of being a new mom just brought it out in new, worse ways. 

This time, I was able to recognize the signs much sooner. I would lay awake at night, worrying about all the bad things that could happen to my family. My heart would start to race if Graham and I were not in the same room.  When others held him, I would wonder if they had a cold. Would I have to watch another one of my babies struggle to breathe and fight off RSV? I sought help after only a month.  My OB and her office were incredibly supportive, helping me navigate short-term disability so I could spend time focusing on getting better and recommending an anti-anxiety medication that fit my needs. I found an amazing program led by someone that had actually been in the trenches of PPD & PPA. She understood how it made you feel and how it affected life as a mother. This program can help so many and I hope it continues to receive the support it needs to continue supporting moms like me that need to know they are not alone.

Postpartum Support International's Climb Out of the Darkness is the world's largest event for raising awareness of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, while raising money and building community.

You are not alone. You are not to blame. With help, you will be well.
If you or someone you know is suffering, PSI can help: Call 1.800.994.4773 or Text 503.894.9453