On September 24, my life changed in ways I could never have imagined; I became the mother of the most amazing little boy! This little blessing from God came into my life and rocked me to my core - in amazingly wonderful and some not-so-wonderful ways. My journey of motherhood has been truly the greatest gift and the most challenging experience I've had to date. I have learned new skills, made new friends, and become a part of a community in which I never imagined myself; I am a woman who struggles with a perinatal mood disorder.

My struggles started during my pregnancy and therefore I assumed I would continue to struggle after Jack arrived. Boy was that the truth! I had anticipated the depression continuing. What really caught me off guard was the postpartum anxiety. I have never been an anxious person, but I found myself thinking, envisioning, and feeling the strangest, most intensely upsetting things. I would rage at my husband one second and dissolve into tears the next. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stop focusing on how much my baby ate or didn’t eat, whether I’d consumed enough lactation-inducing foods that day, if I was producing enough milk. The intrusive thoughts were the worst. I distinctly remember staring at the perfect face of my precious little boy and thinking, “how can I be so blessed to have this little human in my life, yet feel SO INCREDIBLY AWFUL???” I fought SUCH an inner battle as I remembered key messages about infant attachment and development from my master’s program. Every morning, I would give myself a pep talk and remind myself, “it is not okay to withdraw from my baby. I need to be present for him. I need to be okay for him.” But the reality is, I could be neither present nor okay. I was drowning in my postpartum depression and anxiety.

I have been fortunate to be surrounded by a tremendous group of dedicated, supportive, and knowledgeable loved ones who helped me to recognize my struggles in a time when I thought I should be "the happiest." Family members and friends held my hand, gave me advice, brought me food, and gave me a reality check: what I was feeling was common, but not required. I did not need to continue to suffer.

I am one of the lucky ones. I got the support and assistance that I needed. I am able to enjoy the beautiful moments, laugh at the absurd ones, ride out the crazy times, and revel in the wonder of this new little life! My struggles and successes have helped me to realize my passion for helping ensure that other mothers, fathers, and families have access to the resources that they need to not only recover, but thrive. I am blessed to have joined a wonderful group practice at Bricolage Wellness where I provide therapy to pregnant and postpartum women who are struggling with the transition to motherhood as well as those who love them. 

As we prepare for baby #2 in just a few short weeks, I know that I am at an increased risk to experience a perinatal mood disorder yet again. But I also know what to do should that happen. I know the signs, where to go for support, how to communicate my needs with my family and friends. I know that I am not alone, not to blame, and with help, I'll be well. If I am blessed to not struggle after this baby, I will thank God every day. I will also lean on my family and friends because we simply MUST support one another. No one can or should raise children alone. We need to support, nurture, and love one another - on the good days and the tough ones!

Please join me in supporting those who are struggling, those who have struggled, and those who love these amazing women and men. Every penny counts in providing education, support, and increasing awareness of these disorders. Perinatal Mood Disorders are one of the most highly treatable mental illnesses and yet only 15% of those who suffer from them receive treatment. 1 in 7 women struggle right here in the United States. 1 in 10 fathers and partners struggle. Perinatal Mood Disorders are the most common complication of childbirth. Help change the lives of families for the better. Please make a donation today!

Postpartum Support International's Climb Out of the Darkness is the world's largest event for raising awareness of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, while raising money and building community.

You are not alone. You are not to blame. With help, you will be well.
If you or someone you know is suffering, PSI can help: Call 1.800.994.4773 or Text 503.894.9453